A Trodden Way

Once a month I meet with a great group of women and we discuss “the read” of the month.  We also use this time, however short it is, to share what is on our hearts.  How sweet it is to hear from my sisters in Christ and what God is doing in their lives and in their families lives.  I know that whenI share my heart with them there is no judgement, no condemnation just sincere interest and heart felt prayers will result. 

This past month as I was sharing this particular season in my life (aka getting old and seeing my kids go off with their own lives) and my struggle with it; the tears came naturally.  This group of ladies were there for me to encourage me and to point me to the One that would help me make sense of my circumstances.  I’ve always been sensitive even down right sappy actually, but I did not expect this time of my life to produce such sentimentalism from within. 

The kids have grown and have made their way outside of my nurturing and loving arms, except for Olivia for now.  I have rejoiced with them and have paused for reflection with them when hurdles have presented themselves along their paths.  I have prayed for them endlessly and will continue to do so. Yet, there is nothing like realizing that your kids are no longer yours….and then realizing even more they never really were, they were lent to us from God for a season.

Our children are ours for a very short amount of time.  Parenting no matter how good or bad you are at it eventually ends and we are left with an emptiness that seems insurmountable at times.  Even when our children mature into functional adults who are living their lives to both please God  and to contribute to the society He Providentially places them in, it is difficult to let go of the idea of who they were to us.  So much of us is poured out into them that when that stops it really is mind boggling not to mention heart challenging.

Watching my second son Isaac be sworn into the military this week and saying goodbye to his tearful bride was emotionally challenging for me.  Just two weeks ago when my daughter Olivia’s Dr. suggested I look into a program for independent living arrangements for her the emotional roller coaster had begun, so seeing Ike leave for basic training was just one of the loop de loops on that roller coaster ride.  Seeing on facebook my boys exhange “i love you”‘s was this mother’s answer to prayer, the rush right after the loop de loop if you will.  Wow!

So this is where I am right now.  Although I am being challenged on a daily basis by my emotions I always come back down to the Truth and that is: they were mine for a mere moment and it was one of the sweetest moments I will ever experience but  they are His for eternity and that too is one of the sweetest moments I will experience.  So I will not let my emotions drive the train so to speak, I will let the Truth of God’s word (reality) be the power that moves me forward, and I think I might even try riding this roller coaster with some fervor!  I’ll let go with hands in the air and enjoy the ride.  I’ll let the emotions that I am going through enhance the moment if you will.

Although this is the title to one of my favorite hymns it is also  the phrase that is stuck in my head and just won’t quit popping in and out.  Imagine one of those wheels that a gerbil runs on, when his little heart beats so fast he jumps off for about two seconds before he is compelled to jump back on until his heart needs another break!

That is how I feel when I consider that Olivia is graduated from High School and Ike is getting married in three weeks!  I keep asking myself: And can it be?  This has been a whirlwind three months with one event leading up to the next big event.  Olivia is graduated from high school and has expressed her desire to be “done” with school.  This is more than fine for me and for Charles, but it has put a burden on our hearts to be sure that she is transitioning into the “real world” and that she can be excited to be a participant of it.  She has begun art classes at Studio 308 downtown and we are amazed at her artistic ability.  She loves it and we notice that she comes away very content with her work and herself.  Our hope is that she will participate in music classes as well and be able to secure a part time job come mid August with a nearby preschool/kindergarten class.

Isaac: what is amazing here, is the one child who despised change the most has under gone the most change in the last six months.  He has moved to St. Augustine in order to secure an apartment for he and Lauren once they are married.  It took two months longer to find a job than he had anticipated, but the provision came and he and Lauren are grateful to God for that.  He is doing what I think he does best and that is “mapping things out”.  It must come from his inner desire for things to stay the same….planning helps to ease him into things!  So on the map, he and Lauren will be married in three weeks!  Wow!  After the wedding comes moving Lauren to St. Augustine and helping her to register for her Fall classes at Flagler.  Isaac very much wants to complete his AA before heading off into the Army next Spring, but he will need to do some intense “mapping” over the next month and a half for that to continue to be in his sights.

I love the way that God providentially allows the paths of people to cross  and it always seems to be at just the right time.  This is how we here in the Bennett home see  Lauren Renee Brown.  She is everything a mom could wish for in a daughter in law (to be).  She loves the Lord and sees the world through His eyes and is always willing to adjust her heart to His will.  She has made Isaac’s eyes light up in a way that this mom has not seen for nearly 10 years.  Ike and Lauren truly compliment one another through and through and we look forward to watching them grow in their relationships with the Lord through their marriage.

There is so much more going on in our kids lives right now, but for the moment I just wanted to post about these two recent happenings which have brought us immeasurable joy!

Months ago Olivia and I were sitting on the couch in the early morning hours trying to gradually work our way out of the fog from our sleep the night before.  She; by yawning and staring into space and I with my usual cup of coffee in hand.  In between the yawns and sips I said, “You need to go to your room Liv, and pick out your clothes for the day.”  Another big yawn slipped out as she put her head down on the cushy pillows.

“Ya know,” I began “you are always telling me how you want to do things for yourself because you are a big girl, and that your teachers would be proud of you for doing independent things.  So what’s up?  I think you should practice some of that independence and go get dressed without my tagging along.”  I was so proud of myself for getting all of that out without  another sip of coffee.

After a brief pause Olivia said “Ouch!!”  That was her way of saying that the truth stings.  It seems as though I broke stride that morning and said what was exactly on my mind. Like Kathrine Kelly of You’ve Got Mail,  I’m not usually that sort of person.  I envy people who can do that with grace.  I am an absorber, much like a piece of meat in a crock pot.  However, usually by the time I have absorbed what the other person has said and have thought of a response to it, they have gone on to something else. 

 I have friends in the past that can attest to the fact that too much time goes between words they have spoken and my response to them.  I would like to think that  the longer I absorb the circumstance or situation the more gracious are the words that are chosen, but not always.

When my kids were very young I found myself beating myself up alot emotionally because I had not used my words wisely.  As a young Christian mother I was painfully offended by the offenses of my tongue.   I found a book called “Words That Hurt ~ Words That Heal”.  This book spoke to my heart about not just absorbing and repressing thoughts or words but actually allowing the Holy Spirit to decipher them for me before they slipped out as a  rash response to someone else’s hurtful words.

• Did you know that this week is “Words Matter week”?  I did not until I logged on to a site that I have in my favorites where I go to challenge my writing skills.  So I thought I would take advantage of the opportunity to throw some words together and try to make some meaning with them for the sake of this project(news.naiwe.com) check it out.

The well worn phrase goes; A picture is worth a thousand words.  I’ve always liked that saying because just as much as I like to write and to share my thoughts with words, I love art equally.  From baroque to the classics to the impressionists and even to some of the minimalists, looking at someones else’s view point through their art is magical.   Art tells a story no doubt, whether that be a story about the artist and who they are or the object of the artist’s affections at that moment in time.  It is remarkable how people can look at a piece of art and each one see something different.

As I pondered  the complexity of this vastness, of how one picture can be so many different things to so many different people, it occured to me; the same is really true with words as well.  One word can conjure a thousand images in one’s mind and each person’s mind that receives that word opens themselves up to those images, if they allow.

There are countless times while reading a book that our mind’s eye creates a picture that actually is ever evloving. With every word our mind’s eye applies another shade, texture, shadow, even adding another layer of paint if you will to the pictures being imagined.  Of course if the words are effectual the more lasting the picture becomes in our lives; the more they matter. 

God’s word works miracles upon miracles on the canvas of our soul.  No doubt the mind and the will are engaged, but it is the Spirit of God who takes His words and paints God’s wisdom and knowledge upon our hearts.  It is from here that we get to chose or not chose to act upon what the magnificent artist is creating.

I’m one of those inidividuals that is grateful that words really do matter.  I am even more thankful that God’s words matter the most.  Olivia’s declaration to me of “ouch” that morning further affirmed whether for good or for bad words matter and although they may sting at times to hear or to read they are creating upon our hearts sections of a much bigger picture which Providence deems necessary to complete.